Y0U THiNK Y0U KN0W M3..

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 16:25:53 GMT

okay two more days of school! so in my mind its already summer! yay.

so for like... 6 days in a row ive done something with allison. and like 4 in a row with coll. i love them =) yesterday we met kris. and i dont care if like maybe in pics hes a TAD bit hotter, cause i still fucking love him. but obviously he thinks colleen is gorgeous, cause, who doesnt? ughhhh im so disgusted with myself. i look in the mirror and wanna cry, but whatever. sooo yeah kris and his asian friend tse came hahah they're both so awesome. kris was like "i would have been more flirty and touchy if i was single" and i was like ok you need to be single lol. me & allie might have a sleepover tonight =) wooo then go into school late. how awesome would that be?

so basically i love my friends more than life itself. and im gonna work out everyday this summer. im like, making it an addiction. and chelsey lisa and laura i love you girls with all my heart, and im sorry you guys think im like "leaving" you, but im not. i could NEVER thank you guys enough for always being there for me & giving me advice when i was confused with my friends. you guys are the best. and ill always love you girls =)

best friends means i pulled the trigger
best friends means you get what you deserved

la la la

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 16:31:45 GMT

okay well i havent updated in a long time. everything is going good. me allie & coll are like good friends again and i couldnt be more happy. i love it. summer is getting so close and im so excited for that too because i'm gonna make the best of every minute of it! my friends are my fucking world and we are gonna have the sickest summer of our lives. [ except i bet when we're older it'll be better.. we'll be able to DRIVE! ] yeah so i'm pumped. school is incredibly over-whelming and i cant really handle it anymore, just 7 more days though. we have lots of things due and i keep copying my homework like on the wrong day and bringing in my homework late and uhh its chaos.

sharon is moving to california. she hasnt really told anyone yet, but george has accepted the job offer in california. and sharon has wanted to move there like her whole life. and they're out there now looking at condos. my sister [ other one ] and i talked on the phone for like 15 minutes about it yesterday, and obviously we dont want her to go. but like when she lived in florida, kerri was like "atleast i could drive there in like 2 days to see her, but i cant drive to california" and me and kerri hate to fly. so we would literally NEVER see sharon. and what if her and george end up breaking up and she's out there with ANOTHER broken heart? i dont know.. i dont want her out of my life again.. she makes little effort while shes here to talk to me. so moving to the other end of the country wont do any better.

last night mom dad and i met kerri and sean at the continental for dinner for fathers day. it was good. i like sean a lot. then they came back here and they talked about everyone.. sharon, auntie jan, my uncle michael. and just how everyone has left our family.. like uncle scootchy, uncle louie, uncle skippy. but i was listening to music the whole time.

nothing else to say i guess.. i'll update later

<3 dev

Sun, 22 May 2005 00:59:09 GMT

i was just going through this and read the 2 comments that i got from melissa & colleen when we were fighting...

amazing...

im the biggest idiot in the world.

and even though its over, i still cry when i read those.

=(

Mon, 16 May 2005 23:17:46 GMT

okay well i just played basketball all by myself which is when i clear my head and just think of.. random thoughts.. so i think ill just write them out on here

- ever since my friend disaster ive just.. been thankful.. for life, for friends, for love, for music, for the computer, for flowers, for animals, for trees, for everything.
if you think about it, the nighttime is amazing, and the rain, even more amazing
i love <3 waking up in the morning now.. and i love just talking & being alive

- ive had so much time on my hands since "the friend disaster" that ive had so much time to think about myself
i love me. i love myself. i love parts of my personality, i love how i have the ability to socialize with just about anyone and make a connection. i love making people laugh. which i do a lot. theres many flaws & bad qualities about me, but none as bad as i used to think. i had/have such a negative attitude.. and in the end.. it just pushed everyone away. now its too late, cause things will never be the same. but im working on it.

- i dont need to impress anybody. everyone that likes me now likes me for me. if you hate me, so be it, i wont try to fight for your acceptance anymore. HOWEVER, if you're someone i truly care about.. than i WILL fight for your acceptance. one name comes to mind when i talk about this [colleen] because like if someone like brandi hates me, i wont care. but colleen, someone i love, i WILL do anything for her to gain respect for me again.

- boys. boys. guys. =/. reading "this lullaby" has taught me so much believe it or not. im just like the girl in this book, because im stubborn, but at the same time im completely different because i DO believe in love [ unlike her, her name is remy ] and i mean, i know shes like 18 lol so its a difference. im not sure what i want right now, with summer coming up, it'd be nice to share that with someone. but it'd be nice to share that with many people [yeah, become a whore! *claps*] -- i mean, what matt taught me was that i had too high of expectations which is completely true. so next time i get myself involved in a relationship, i wont expect so much. and maybe who knows? it might be worth it, and i might be happy. i basically LOVE a lot of things about all the guys that im friends with, and when i find the right guy, he will be ALL those things in one. like the great thing about chris, the great thing about matt, the great thing about mike, the great thing about josh - they will all be in one guy. and ill know hes for me.

- my life is very simple.. but im the one who makes it complicated.. all i need are 4-5 things and i am set for life. these 4-5 things mean the fucking world to me.

1.) friends & family
2.) music
3.) food
4.) my chucks
5.) computer?

^ all i mean is with wonderful people in my life, awesome influencial music, food, and a way to communicate with the people i love.. i am completely content.

anyways ---

yesterday was sunday and uh the family came over. sunday dinners are coming back into play after being put off for a lot of months. yesterday kerri-ann & sean came over. hes looking good considering being in the hospital =(. i officially love him. i dont even know him that well, but he treats my sister well, she seems to be really into him, and i never thought id trust anyone with her again, but if i do, he'd be the guy.

sharon & george came also. george is pretty funny. MAYBE trying a little too hard. im not sure. he loves sharon. which is all that counts. she needs someone like that.

mikey was over too. then auntie jan. then nana & grandpa... but they only stayed for about an hour.. around 8ishh mikey went to pick up his new gf katelin. shes..... okay...... i mean, didnt impress me too much. shes cute, nice, friendly. perhaps we'll see in the future if she passes the devyn test, because that is what counts. if shes a bimbo head, than no, she's going out the door.

i love family. family is so important. and whenever you're going through a rough time, knowing that your family is backing you up 24/7 is such a good feeling. i <3 my fam.

uhhh yeah and i dno if i wrote about saturday but i went to chels'.. we had lots of chuckles.. then her & i went on a date downtown [ not literally, it felt like it though since it was just us cause lise & laura were out ] soo yeah then i left her house. and like an hour later she came over. we were playing 1 on 1 and she schooled me lol. lauren was gonna come over, but basically, in a nice way, she ditched us. then lise came over because shes awesome. and then laura came over. we were spinning on my grass .. and then .. hmm .. ate a lot of food.. and sat outfront and gave thumbs up to cars passing on the fells way =) lovely?

today was the mcas which means woo no 4 blocks in the morning!!!!!!!! Mike sat behind me because hes the man. we talked during the break and stuff. fun. then lunch, then spanish, tech ed, world history. easy day. after school chelsey & i went downtown cause lise had to go home first.. and we were expecting to meet james & mike. so james came. then kirstie & stephanie were like outside and ended up coming in and sitting with us. then i saw chris & george and i ran outside to get them. then lise came. then mike called me and told me he was on his way. so yeah it was a big party in papa ginos lol. but it ended up being me lise chels james & mike. lots of laughs. i <3 you guys. JAMES IS ASKING CHELSEY OUT TONIGHT!!! YAY-NESS!!!!

WOOO

so yeah.. im gonna ask coll to hang out tomorrow.. im missin her like crazy
and allie and i are hanging out on thursday! FUCK YES.

Wed, 11 May 2005 01:32:52 GMT

good day..

hung out with mel coll hannah & allison <3

i miss them so much.. especially colleen & allison =(

one tree hill now <3 awesomeee

tomorrow is wednesday =) middle of the week

i love life. life is amazing. life is beautiful. im glad to be alive =)!

boys boys boys..

Mon, 09 May 2005 23:23:25 GMT

hmm.. for like a week i didnt think about guys one bit. now im back to my pathetic self who DOESNT stop thinking about boys! i dont know what it is. i need to make out, i need to hug, i need to talk on the phone with them. ughh. major boy toy craving right now.

today melissa & laura came over. LMFAO in dunkin donuts laura & i didnt have enough money so we had to ask lauren & liz. pretty funny. kinda like china buffet all over again [ lmfao fab 4 ]

uhh tomorrow the starting line cd is being released. after school the fab 4 is going to get it at newbury comics, then i think we're going to the mall? yeah. making plans now......

myspace isnt as addicting as it used to be which is sad lol. mhmmmm.

finch concert - may 18th, laura & i are really looking into it. my brother will take us. we just gotta have a chat with lauras mommy.

i heart boys

i was reading my livejournal from september, i seem so different. i miss myself. ugh why did i have to change so fucking bad? i suck ass now.

Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knife </3

Fun weekend <3

Sun, 08 May 2005 16:24:37 GMT

okay well i dont think ive updated since thursday ishh? yeah so i'll write about friday...

my metal spring broke in half on thursday night, so on friday i went to the orthodontist around 830 and didnt get to school until 10:25 ishh.. so all i had was one block then lunch. pretty fast day. after school lauren laura & i were planning on hanging out, and then bridget & chels tagged along. they all needed/wanted to go downtown ... but all of them could come over my house... so we were just gonna walk downtown then to my house. then bridget had to go and get christines present, so she was eliminated lol. so we walked to CVS [ me lauren laura and chelsey ] and laura got a card for christine, and then chels' mom called & told her she had to come home. LMFAO laura "they're all dropping like flies" hahaha. soo yeah then lauren laura & i went to laurens since my house was too far away. lmao we stopped at cedar park .. and like had to rest .. it was funny. at laurens we ate these wiked cool popsicles <3 then we ordered two pizzas, and it was out of control - because the guy took our coupons & one of them was for pick up only and lauren was like "CANCEL THAT REQUEST!!!" lmao! and then bryan&brendan [ laurens brothers ] had friends over, and there friends like ate the flipping pizza? it was crazy. we didnt get to enjoy it haha.

omgosh i forget what i did friday night. lmao. what did i do? i think i just came home, but i forget. lmaoooo i dont know! ahhh i think i did something.. but i forget.. hahahah

yeah then yesterday chelsey jenna bridget laura & i went over laurens. it was sweeeet. we all wore our pjs and our slipppers & watched scary movies =) it was soooooo fun! we watched poltergeist hahaha i couldnt say it, lol jenna. and yeah it was a crazyy movie.. with the blood.. and the guy ripping his face off. yuckie. then we like ordered pizza again, and lauren was like NO BRIAN YOU CANT HAVE ANY! and bridget was like yeah that'll be $1.50 and then he went away and came back with exactly $1.50 ... it was so cute lol. then we were just like hanging in her kitchen, then the computer room, then in the basement. LMFAO we played "ring around the pool table" and we were running around it [ me laura & chelsey ] and then jenna went under it and grabbed our legs lmfaoooo. then we played dirty minds, that was pretty funny lol. then dan wanted to come over, and like he WAS gonna bring matt so me & laura FLIPPED OUT and chelsey was like "hes gonna make out with you!!!!!!!!" and she was like flipping out too cause she wanted to watch? lmao. but then matt couldnt come. so just dan came. he played pool with lauren & jenna downstairs while me bridget chelsey & brian watched freddy vs. jason. it wasnt even scary. it was really bloody though. LMFAO! i GOT YOUR NOSE!!!!!! lmao.

OMG I REMEMBER FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! christines party! YEAH. well bridget laura & i didnt really wanna go in the first place, but afterwards we were glad we did, it was so much fun. i tried really hard to be friends with colleen too. LMFAO laura, when we were spinning inside while everyone was eating and we fell into the corner. lmao. then outside =) so much fuckin fun spinning. i cant explain it. yeahhhh.

then last night after i left laurens, mel came and slept over. LMFAO SHE PEE'D HER UNDERWEAR TWO TIMES! TWO TIMES BABY! it was hilariousss. "affirny" lmfao. my mom came down. lmfaoooo. and she tried to put that blanket on me! lmfao. and when we heard the guy outside with a gun, and you talked too loud. lmfao. you stealing the remotes... oh gosh.. so much fun mel. oh yeah, mel got in a fight with colleen while i was on the phone with laura like giving her the info & entertaining her while she was babysitting. but we resolved it, and now we're best friends again!! ask melissa, i was like shaking because i was so shocked. woooo coll you won't regret it.

yeah.. awesome weekend.. some of the family is coming over today too.

uhh i dont know how im gonna manage my time this week.. these are the people i told them i would do something with..

- melissa
- lauren (which means jenna & bridget probably too)
- lisa
- allison
- laura (either with jenna and them.. or with chels too)
- maybe coll? i dno, i might ask her. might not.

I <3 my ipod =)

Okay ..

Fri, 06 May 2005 11:41:46 GMT

So this entry will be all about yesterday since I'm not going to school until later since my metal spring broke in half =)

Yesterday school was okay as usual... gym first with like hannah lauren jenna maggie & brittany =) i was getting like really competitive though, cause i couldnt stand the other team, especially lizzie & kyana. they're very competitive [ lmao lauren, lets push her! ] yeahhh then chorus, and ms. cork butt moved maggie jenna & lauren which made me really sad. but then all during warm up they were waving to me haha! lunch was sweeeet... Tinkerbell bought me a cookie =) such a good friend lol maggie is the shit. so that was a SCRUMPTIOUS cookie [ scrumptious, lmao chels ] blah blah the rest of the school day sucked.

After school i waited for Chels to take her science test, so i walked around the hall a good 20 times. pretty good exercise. then i met up with lauren jenna & bridget and went into the bathroom while they all pee'd hahah. then they threw soap everywhere & it was pretty fun =) then they left & i went to meet chelsey.... but like britt L & andrea were walken around so they stopped to give me a high five? yeah. and then i found chels & kathryn .. then chels & i walked here. it was pretty sweet. we just hung out , had some chuckles. we ate pudding lol & played the sims.

at like 545 lauren came to my house and then us 3 walked to the common to see jenna play softball =) LMAO!!! on the way there.. so many laughs... the warm rocks, the rich peoples grass which i rolled on, the nature, the flowers, hearing nicole like yell at us thinking we were in trouble, hanging from the tree, laurens butt vibrating, lmao. yeah so then we met up with chris who was on my nerves. saw colleen & allie who clearly wanted nothing to do with me. i can only do so much ya know? like, i went over to them and like begged them to hang out with us, and like they didnt feel like it cause they wanted to play bball which is fine just... they never said bye or anything.. i dno it made me sad. poor chels, i was like talking the WHOLE time i was like "I miss colleen, i want them to come over here, omgosh lets get them to come over here, i miss colleen" and i like didnt shut up. yeah then jess farr came, and then bridget came, then steph, kayla, and abrie came. it was pretty fun. robbie came too & george. chris did a flame thrower with axe & it was a huge flame so me & chelsey ran away. then i came home. FUN!! =)

then when i got home iwas on the phone with melissa for a long time about the dance situatioN! which was outta control, and that was a pretty good conversation , i wuv my melly =D.. then i was on the phone with laura & we had an awesome conversation too, she totally just gets where im coming from & sees what i see, and yeah i <3 her. then i called mel back & we talked some more lol. i went to bed around 1230, and it felt good cause i got like an hour more sleep than usual.

today after school which im going to be late to .. i think im going out with laura & lauren. which will be fun because it always is. thennn christines surprise party is at 6, and that should be fun, yet somewhat akward. i dont know lol. later<3

p.s. the new fall out boy cd is amazing <3

so is chelsey, shes an awesome friend & i would NEVER use you Chelsey, but the fact that you would do something like that to save my relationship with colleen is so nice its insane..... and you're my idol! and i wont use you. i wont. i refuse. you're too good of a friend chels, and even though you wanna see me happy, i WONT do it.

Wed, 04 May 2005 21:51:17 GMT

Pretty awesome day if I do say so myself...

I'll write about it! =)

Okay so school was boring. I was so incredibly tired. I've slept pretty good the past 2 nights though, cause I'm still wiped from the concert. But yeah, I woke up, showered, got dressed. Talked to Mike online [ a morning routine ]. Then head off. First four classes I was basically asleep for. Then lunch was awesome =) I love my friends. In Spanish I got a 19 and a half out of 20 on my quiz from Monday... yeah I know hah thats ridiculous! Uh then Tech. Ed. with Logan =). Then world history was pretty boring too.

After school Lauren + Jenna + I went to Lauras house!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!! On the walk there.. omgosh... we found this crappy baby carriage like in the trash & Jenna like pushed Lauren & Lauren was about to piss her pants.. and it was just so fuckin funny. Then Laura pushed Jenna and they went like flying down the hill & i almost pee'd myself. Then at Lauras we hung out in her basement & watched a part of Super Trooper lmao Jenna "It looks like a vagina with a meatball sticking out of it!" lmao.

Then in Lauras room LMFAO we went on the roof when her dad left the house for 2 seconds. It was sooo funny, we all went through the window. Then her sister like came home and was like "dont jump! dont jump!" and thennn jenna & laura like jumped into the window and landed on lauras bed and lauren was holding the window open & i went and they were like laughing so hard they couldnt move and i couldnt get into the room and lauren was like slapping my butt... lmao.. yeah and jenna like broke her nose. but it was hilarious.

Thennnn Laura cut Jennas hair!!!! It looks so good. Laura angled it and gave her like side bangs. I think it looks so hot haha but like she cut a lot off and jenna was about to cry. but its worth it.

so now im home, talking to mike & james. yeah i'll write more later. <3.

MUSIC..

Wed, 04 May 2005 11:09:59 GMT

You're drowning in the water
And I try to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel.
- Scars ; Papa Roach

Like a bad star
I'm falling faster
Down to her
She's the only one who knows what it is to burn.
- What it is to Burn ; Finch

It was clear to see
That it was hardly love.
- Photobooth ; Death Cab for Cutie

Tue, 03 May 2005 19:41:20 GMT

Last night was by far the greatest night of my entire life

i cannot begin to describe what it was like seeing the all american rejects in concert.. but ill try

so heres my day yesterday ::

waited patiently for the 2:00 bell to ring, then went to Mels for about an hour, then came home to "freshen up".

then mike & i drove to oak grove, parked, and hopped right on a train =). the orange line has always been my favorite, cause its fast, and at that time of day it wasnt crowded going into boston. then we had to transfer to the green line & it got packed, but luckily we got seats. we got off and walked to landsdowne st [ yes, right behind the green monster ] and he was explaining to me that avalon is an awesome venue to see a show, and like, i told him thats where me & allie WOULD have saw Ryan Cabrera =) okay so then we get closer to Axis and my brother looks and he goes WHAT THE FUCK!! .. there were mad people waiting outside in line. like atleast 200 people. so then the guy was like "if you already have tickets, come to the front" so then we got right in. which was pretty slick. inside you know there are 2 bars, the stage which you step down into, the open floor, railings up top ... but like its all close so you're wiked close to the band at all times. i loved it. so the first band on stage was hellogoodbye.... i was head banging to them & they were pretty sweet. like, just, okay, like i stood at the railings for that. then 15 minutes of Armor for Sleep setting up their equiptment so i got a drink and we went down onto the floor. once they came on, MAN they were SICK! They were a loooooot heavier than I expected, but they were awesome. almost like from first to last-ishhh. i loved them. i definetly wanna download some of their songs. then there were like 9 guitars these guys had to tune. and then the all american rejects would come on =) i was like waiting there for about 15 minutes for them to get on stage. and like i didnt know when it would happen. so im just like standing there with the crowd, not talking to anyone. and all of a sudden the lights change & like the music from "one more sad song" starts & they come running out onstage. i cant describe the feeling, my heart dropped and i was breathless. i was like omgosh you gotta be fucking kidding me? tyson ritter is less than 10 feet away from me. omgosh it was AMAZING. and i immediately started jumping up & down and like you know made the "rock on" sign with my hands. and i was headbanging. and SCREAMING the lyrics at the top of my lungs. oh my god, there was nothing like it. there was sweat pouring. ugh it was beautiful.

it was awesome though cause he was like PUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS UP BOSTON!!!!! and like he was like "last time we were in boston was when you guys won the fuckin world series!!!!!" and the crowd was screeching. then the next song he was like okay we're gonna play a happy fuckin ending. and then that song started. and i was like going totally insane. and during the song "time stands still" at one point when it goes "time is standing still..." he goes "WHY IS BOSTON STANDING STILL?" and woo the crowd surfing started & it was so awesome =) i wish i did it hahahahah. ugh i love them with all my fucking heart. best night of my fucking life. i wanna go to shows all the time now. they played 2 songs off their new album which is coming out soon, they seemed pretty good! and then he was like so back to the old vintage rejects.... we're gonna play a song called your star, and it makes people go fuckin crazy! and i LOVE that song, i mean i love every song but that song just makes me absolutely mental. so i was FLIPPING out SO much. then they were like GOODNIGHT boston [ obviously coming back on, they ALWAYS do ] and the crowd starting screaming REJECTS! REJECTS! REJECTS! then LAST SONG! LAST SONG! LAST SONG! so tyson came back out & was like WHAT? you guys want ANOTHER song? well the fuckin band, they fuckin said fuck it we dont wanna do it anymore! so you're gonna have to clap and scream if you want them to come back onstage!!!!!! and like i was screaming at the top of my lungs. so then hes like alright motherfuckers here they are. and they came back on & started playing the last song. and the crowd was jumping like crazy non-stop. it was awesome. then they were like goodnight boston, thanks for having us motherfuckers!!!!!

i loved just like being so close the band members. like when i was watching hellogoodbye perform, the lead singer of Armor for Sleep was standing right behind me. it was just so awesome. after the show the lead singer of hellogoodbye was out taking pictures & shit which was pretty cool, i got less than an inch away from him & told him he had a great show. and like people handing out stickers like they do at all concerts. but it was pretty sick. i loved it.

best night ever.

the all american rejects have my heart <3

forever.

next concert - finch, may 18. im gonna try to get tickets =)

fall out boy CD came out today & ive already listened to it 2 times. it's pretty sweet.

OH YEAH AND SCHOOL WAS AWESOME TODAY

I <3 CL + CP + KG + NM + KF.... just so fun at the all a's thing & afterwards lol

Sun, 01 May 2005 17:34:06 GMT

I dont even know what to say...

Not gonna go into detail, i'll just say one word. Colleen. *sadness*

One good thing to look forward to tomorrow, the AAR concert. Should be pretty sweet. Music gets my mind off things, so yeah.

Uhh yesterday was awesome too, basically. Around 1ishh I went to the mall with Chels & Lise, it was mad fun<3. We had some good chuckles =) Like when we knocked all the bottles over in A/E .. lmao. Oh my goodnesssss! And stealing the large cups at Sbarro [ me & chels taught lisa how to do it, you know, since we're experts at it now ] and Lisa was trying to convince Chelsey to steal salad? Lmao. I bought a $20 Coheed DVD, so right there i blew 20 bucks which kinda stinks. and i WAS gonna buy the pink hair dye at hot topic since im gonna dye my tips cotton candy pink =) and then i was like no i'll wait and ask joyce, since im such a good daughter [ pshh ] and yah. so i'll be doing that soon. *excitement* and lise wants to dye her whole head black, which will be sick mcnasty! I walked by Build-a-Bear & just a million thoughts were going through my head, but i was like guys stop, do you think it would be a good idea if I made colleen a build-a-bear? just to like, let her know i care? and they thought it was a really good idea. so we did that. it was pretty funny though, because the girl had to write like a name on the tag, and she was like whats your name? and i was like devyn, and she goes what? so then i laughed and i was like "lisa" [ because its easier to say ] well im SO stupid.. lmao.. now on the bear it says to Colleen from Lisa =( .. its supposed to be devynnnn

uh then we met sue & jillian at a/e again and we went to chelseys house. it was pretty awesome. we walked corey in the pouring rain =) i love the rain. and i love the prince! oh hes a baby! hes a cute little puppy with a penis! then we watched some of the coheed dvd in her attic, and then watched Good Charlotte & it was awesome. we were singing, lmao. then MK & Nonno came to pick me & lise up. lmao in the car lisa was like mom can i get high tops? and nonno was like HOT DOG?!! and the whole car was laughing, and she was like NO nonno - high tops! lmao.

basically
pretty much
to sum it up
on the whole

im gonna go mope around the house and cuddle with buddy the build-a-bear <3.

*dreading school tomorrow, big time*

hope everyone had a good weekend =)

fab 4 <33333.

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 03:21:52 GMT

Alright well I'll talk about my day --

I don't wanna make a big deal about my "friend" issues right now, because that would be like totally talking behind their back. But to sum it up [ lmao fab 4 ] uhhh in gym I got MAD love from Brittany, Maggie, and Lauren M. Then in chorus, Kasey, Jenna, and Bridget. Kinda feels good, like, they were telling me how they felt about ME. and I dno. made me feel somewhat important. Like I said in MySpace, people I'm not so close with seem to adore me. TOTALLY NOT TRYING TO SOUND CONCEIDED SINCE WE ALL KNOW THAT I'M NOT.

Uhh then after school LMFAO!!!!!!! ME + LAURA + LISA + CHELSEY'S EVIL MASTER PLAN THAT WE PLANNED FOR LIKE AN HOUR LAST NIGHT WORKED!!!!!! SUCCESS!!!!! So Laura, Chelsey, and I had to like waste time so that Lisa could go home with Steph & Katherine [ so they wouldnt wanna tag along with us ] so we just like went into classrooms for like 30 minutes. Then the 3 of us walked to Lisas. Lisas house is sick. So is MK & Nonno. LMAO. HAVE SOME ICE CREAM!!!

Uhh then at like 5:15 we walked to Lauras to get ready. Then the dance was okay.. just.. okay. Yeah. lol. They all looked mad hot. I was like dude I'm going with the sexiest chickas ever. Then Stephanie friggen wanted to friggen go & got EVERYONE stressed out. whoops that was kinda out of order [ stephanie called BEFORE we went to the dance ] and yeahhhhhhh. Maggie was like hanging out with me which made me smile =) Britt was stressing out and getting sad over a boy.. I was a body guard for Britt & Alie. Nothing else really. Except for the Samantha Garret fight after which was sick! Okay. Pretty macadocious day. Now I'm talking to Clara cause she has some feelings she needs to get out..... anddd later <3.

`xx.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 23:06:33 GMT

Best convo ever

Well parts of it..

I was telling Matt about my friend problems

relaxingCHAOS xx: eh life sucks lol
LiL BaLla 58 58: lol
relaxingCHAOS xx: i need a huggg
LiL BaLla 58 58: ill give u 1
LiL BaLla 58 58: 2morro
relaxingCHAOS xx: really?
LiL BaLla 58 58: ya
relaxingCHAOS xx: aww thanksss
LiL BaLla 58 58: any time

LiL BaLla 58 58: want me 2 dump him 4 u cin im ur brother

translation: do you want me to dump Chris for you since I'm your brother

(we're brother & sister since we tell eachother everything)

relaxingCHAOS xx: friends suck
relaxingCHAOS xx: i have the BEST friends in the world & now 3 of them dont wanna be friends anymore?
LiL BaLla 58 58: ill b ur best friend
relaxingCHAOS xx: lol matt i think ure too cool for me?
LiL BaLla 58 58: no ur 2 cool 4 them
relaxingCHAOS xx: lol thanks

relaxingCHAOS xx: DAMN chris hasnt made out with me yet so i cant dump him hahaha.. a girls gotta get some action
relaxingCHAOS xx: then i'll dump him :-D
LiL BaLla 58 58: lol
LiL BaLla 58 58: i dont think hed makeout with u
relaxingCHAOS xx: lol i would never do that but i havent kissed someone since u so im like WOO
relaxingCHAOS xx: why?
LiL BaLla 58 58: i just dont think he wood
LiL BaLla 58 58: hey dump him and ill make out with u sometime
relaxingCHAOS xx: FINALLY I FIND A GUY WHO WILL JUST MAKE OUT AND STAY FRIENDS!!!!!
LiL BaLla 58 58: i lk 2 do that
LiL BaLla 58 58: lol
relaxingCHAOS xx: oh thank the lord !
LiL BaLla 58 58: i no
relaxingCHAOS xx: lol what are u doing tomorrow?
LiL BaLla 58 58: baseball
LiL BaLla 58 58: wait do have braces
relaxingCHAOS xx: yah :-(
LiL BaLla 58 58: o wait idk if iwanna make out with sum1 that has braces
relaxingCHAOS xx: meanie!
LiL BaLla 58 58: dont wanna get loked
relaxingCHAOS xx: they dont get caught if that makes a different
relaxingCHAOS xx: you dont use teeth.. unless you're wiked aggresive
relaxingCHAOS xx: difference *
LiL BaLla 58 58: wut the hell
LiL BaLla 58 58: i will anyway
relaxingCHAOS xx: hahaha
relaxingCHAOS xx: yeah thanks lol
LiL BaLla 58 58: lol

YES, YOU READ RIGHT, MATTHEW FREDRICK VAN LIERE WILL MAKE OUT WITH ME WHENEVER! HAHAH sweet.

another screw up for devyn.. this is the last one. i assure you.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 22:43:32 GMT

the private thing is nowhere to be found even though I'm a "computer queen" lol

sooooooo here we go

i bet u guys will think this is a bunch of bull shit, its not. its me, its real, its sincere, its from the heart.

friendship is amazing. it really is cause you laugh, cry, fight, and get jealous, but even during all those you still have such a sisterly love for the girl. like i know that i will ALWAYS love my sexy 6 until the day i die, and even when im in heaven. theyve changed me for the better whether they know it or not, they've made me, me. my hearts divided into 6 parts just for them.

coll used to say that to me.. that i was the biggest part of her heart.. so coll are you getting rid of most of your heart? are you gonna be able to survive? you're so strong that i know you can. you're one of the strongest people i have ever met in my life. to put up with my crumby actions & my bitchy journal entries. at the end of the day you still used to call me your best friend & forgive me cause you knew that i cared about you more than anything in this whole entire world. yeah i'll admit that i have not been fair to you these past few months.... and i didnt know how to confront it or handle it.. so i let it get worse... and now its over. wait until people find out that everlasting colleen & devyn didnt last this time. its sooo weird because after we had like a "fight" we would have the greatest friendship alive, and i almost like looked forward to making up with you so that we could be closer than ever. if i knew that like in september october & november that those would be the last AWESOME times for us, i probably would have thought more highly of them. like if i knew 5 months later this would happen, i would have done something about it. i'm still devyn, i'm still the girl that you LOVE hugging for hours because all your fears & worries just go away completely and it's just me & you where the rest of the world escapes. that will never change. that part of me is all because of you. my caring side, my understanding side - all comes from you. when its just me & you i will always be the real me, im gentle, i don't "attack" you, and you were NEVER scared to tell me how you felt. i dont know what happened, yes, it was all my fault, but babe, you have change too. you've changed in awesome ways though, and im soooo proud of you. you used to LOVE when you made me proud, so maybe for one more time you can love me.

we totally started "babe" too and Mel used to get soo mad lol she counted it in the year book and everything! babe, thanks, just, for always being you & always being there. but in the end, i contradict myself all the time, as do you, when you said you'd always put me first and id always be part of your life. hopefully you'll read this & kinda miss my geeky self..

Melissa .. history is what keeps us together. day by day we fight like sisters because we are, you just were given to the wrong mom, had darker skin, and were shorter than me. as far as im concerened, whether we're best friends or not even friends, we're sisters. somehow, someway, thats what we'll always be. i dont give you credit for all that you do. you're awesome. i would die to be like you. you're so lovable Melissa... you dont even know how many people care about you like with all their heart. im one of those people. i called you tonight, crying, because i lost someone who was 95% of the reason i wake up in the morning & you were the only one i could talk to and then i find out you might not wanna be friends with me. well, whatever you decide, i'll accept it & support you. because i deserve it. and you deserve so much better.. you allison & colleen are my heroes & you guys put up with me for way too long. enough is enough. just know that you'll always be my sister, and come sometime later on in life, i hope you think that way of me toooo.

Allison .. it'll never be the same hun. i'll miss it, i'll miss you, i'll miss me, i'll miss us. you & i got along so well until like.. i dont know.. a couple months ago. my fault again though. i shouldnt have done anything & i shouldnt have considered just YOU as my best friend and wanted you to make ME your only best friend. that was definetly wrong. and its wrong of me to push colleen away, its stupid of me to try to fix things, i dont know why i even did any of that. every minute of everyday that we dont talk is a minute lost, and a minute that makes me more sad & makes me kick myself because i messed it up. i dont want pitty, and i definetly dont want forgiveness from you, but despite everything, you'll ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be in my fucking heart because you're amazing and you're the most kick-ass girl ive ever met in my entire life & im SO fucking glad you IM'd me that day in the summer .. because i would NEVER have had such an awesome friend to make AWESOME memories with. thank you. and im sorry.

gooddbyeee...

<3.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 20:37:52 GMT

Anyone who is reading this...

I made a new one =)

Private.

ADIOS.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 23:41:07 GMT

relaxingCHAOS xx: *moment of truth* i was JUST typing out this little mini speech. telling you i'm sorry for pushing you away, and that i bet sorry isnt good enough, but i just want you to know i'd do absolutely anything to get back our kick-ass friendship & i want a second.. [ or third or 4th? ] chance. i'm sorry with all of my stupid pathetic heart. but then i read this Mel & Allie - So many good times with you gurls! Best friends for life..you gurls are the best, i dont know where i would be without you two! Stay true..xox love you both soo much! So much awesome shit to come! lol mwah. Tuesdays & Fridays are our days ;-)

.. i mean, its great you found other close friends. but, the last entry in your livejournal is how you're SO upset that allie "took your place". well, it looks like two people replaced me. and you know, i've been good during this whole thing. i've just sat there and watch ALLIE take MY place. and i havent said a word. meanwhile when allie "took your place" you were so depressed, sad, and just overall shocked. well, this was a shocker, but ive done the best i can.

Auto response from xO cOll 34 Ox:
SHIT..i dont have my history homework =-O

relaxingCHAOS xx: it's just a stupid profyle anyway....
relaxingCHAOS xx: i'll move on. just like you did.
xO cOll 34 Ox signed off at 7:36:54 PM.
xO cOll 34 Ox signed on at 7:38:48 PM.

ehhhhhhhh...yeah.....

*fun day*

Chelsey Elizabeth Powell has helped me through every god damn struggle, tear, or moment of stress. I cannot EVER repay her for this.

Lisa Jean Kendricken has also been there to cheer me up. I love you!

<3.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 00:54:01 GMT

I can't stand this. I really cant.

I don't even wanna talk about it but i have to let it out sometime

Chris is not like anyone i've ever dated. he just, makes me so stressed out for like no reason. i dont know what the hell it is. but it drives me crazy 85% of the time. im always gonna blame myself, because i have too high of expectations. but i mean, you see a love story on t.v. or at the movies, obviously you're gonna want ure relationship to be like that. i want him to like say sweet things to me, i want him to have such a connection with me, i want him to talk endlessly just like I do, i want HIM to start the conversation, and NOT like this:

sickboy3891: wut do u wanna talk about
relaxingCHAOS xx: i dont care
sickboy3891: ummm

god fucking dammit.. THAT IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT I LIKE. he should ALWAYS have things to fucking say. and i dont even have to think twice. i hate when theres like moments of silence online.

see, like, i know that i expect way too much from him. but i KNOW that there are guys out there like that.. and thats who i wanna be with. but for now im just seeing if i like guys like chris. i mean, his over-all personality is somewhat blahhh.. but he's so nice. i just hate feeling like im in control. i like the guy to be in control. i like the guy planning things to do on our month anniversary instead of like when chris said "no, you plan something special, im stupid, i dno what to do" i was like why cant u just think of something? and hes like no u. JEEEEEEZEEEEE. chris is such a great guy, just ... wow.. i'm finally admitting what ive been hiding from all along... chris is such a great guy, but he's not matt =(

chris is constantly negative about himself. ive been around negativity too much. i need a change. i mean, why should i be with someone who doesnt really make me smile? his laugh makes me laugh. but thats it. i mean, tonight he was like i went up in italian, now i have a C. and he is totally convinced that teachers fail him because they hate him. i told him, a teacher cant fail u because of their opinion of you, they HAVE to look at test scores, otherwise they can be fired. hes like well i got 100s on all my tests. im like, do you answer questions & stay quiet during class? and he said yes. so im like okay then u have a problem, you shouldnt be failing. then im like tell ure mom to talk to the teacher. hes like my mom hates me, she kicks me out sometimes. and im like well obviously theres a reason. and hes like no. like he DOESNT understand that there HAS to be a reason hes failing, there HAS to be a reason his mom kicks him out. now, i know theres not a reason for everything.. but those 2 conditions, there has to be.

jesus. i'm so stressed out. its only been a month with chris & its getting worse and worse. i don't know what to do, i'm ready to get on my hands & knees and beg matt to take me back. i'll tell him that i've learned not to expect so much.. and i'll tell him that i'll fucking change & do whatever for him. =(. this sucks. i'm caught in a pickle.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 22:16:18 GMT

Hey what's goin on?

mm so i'll write kinda fast since kerri-ann, sean, and my auntie jan are over. we're eating dinner. well i'm going to see the all american rejects in concert!!!!!! HELL THE FUCK YES!!!!!! only 8 more days. i talk about it all the time, but i cant help it, first rock concert EVER. there will be plenty more after this i assure you!

vacation was awesome. hanging out with some of my best friends, obviously there were a lot of laughs. very very very fun. wont go into much detail. yesterday i spent the day with kerri-ann. i got my haircut, got bangs, and my eyebrows waxed. fun. i look different hah. then we went back here for like an hour. checked on the animals. then went to pick up sean from his house in everett. then went to the movies to see Fever Pitch. It was suchhhh a goood & cuuute movie! i loved it. then we waited for 45 minutes at the border to get seated. it was yummy. then we dropped jan off. then sean & kerri-ann came here and we played board games & watched grease all night. fun!

today i woke up around 1145ishh. then went downstairs with sean, kerri, & saw my parents come home. uhhh then sat online for an hour. then went to the movies with mel & laura =)! yay. we saw a lot like love. it got such bad reviews, but i thought it was wiked cute. and of course, i love any kind of love story. now im home... kerri-ann & sean just got here. jan is here. and mike is on his way.

school tomorrrowww...

*missing colleen*

Vacation babyy

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 02:36:40 GMT

WOO vacation time! heck yes! it's been lovely so far <3 i'm really happy with it. I've hung out with Mel every single day and its been histerical. I've hung out with Al a lot too, and kinda Chels, kinda Chris. We all like hung out on the weekend at my house, then on monday we all went to the carnival. i went on the mummy, casino, and the carousel haha. it was loads of fun though. poor chels like had to hold everybodys stuff. that night we went to mels house & chels and I were out on the trampoline like late at night, it was so freaking awesome. you know its crazy .. shes such a good friend to me, like, she totally understands me & we can just talk and talk and talk and talk and like never get bored or run out of things to say, or feel akward. we got closer at just the right time, when i needed someone new to talk to, and well shes always gonna be considered one of my best friends now. lmao, we were like dancing on the trampoline at 930 at night like idiots. it was so fun. we literally had so much energy it was out of control.

yesterday was tuesday and mel and allison came over. we hung out, watched like old movies, pebble & the penguin hahah oh my goshh. then we started dancing like idiots to old rap songs, which was totally the highlight of the day. allie did her make-up really heavy, and i personally liked it, i dont think they did. lol oh well. thenn they left, and we all wanted to have a sleepover and we found out we could have one at mels. it was soo fun =). but first, one tree hill was on and it was such a fucking good episode. i was SO happy and didnt want it to end [ well i never want it to end ] the night was fun, until mel & i needed to wake allie up, and it was me vs. allies legs. it killed, but the pain didnt bother me. it was just the anger behind it? you know, like, i could just sense she was liking the fact that she was winning over me, and she had the power to put me down. she was mad after that, and she was like "you're being so mean" and all I could say was "i know, im a mean person" and she was like "i know" which made me sad. then i was like "well maybe we can't be friends" jokingly of course, i would never wanna fucking loose her. and she was like "maybe we cant" err.. confuzzling. the rest of the night was lots and lots of fun. until they fell asleep and i had no one to talk to. and until i woke up and they were all sound asleep then steven came down adn i had to pretend to be asleep with my ipod on. but anyways, fun night.

after i came home from sleeping at mels, i showered, and we walked to carnival to meet up with chris. today was fucking 91 degrees out, so like, i had a freaking heat stroke at the carnival and i couldnt wait to get the hell home. i think mel was mad i was complaining so much about how i was gonna die, but i seriously was. chris was being flirty <3 i loved it. i went on the scrambler for the first time with him.. it was good to be with him, i felt safe.then tonight mel & chelsey came over at 7, but mel left at 830 [?] and chels left at 10. hehehe fun-ness. Sharon is here now and Rocco is sleeping over until Sunday cause sharons going with george to a wedding in philly. should be fun with roc-a-boo.

tomorrow night im having allie + mel + chels + hannah sleep over. shall be fun. i'm excited, except for the fact that its at my house. and during the day ill be hanging out with chris and maybe laura and lisa. then friday is the carnival with everyone. and then saturday/saturday night with kerri-ann =) yay. getting my hair cut & bangs! woo.

update later <3

Blahh..

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 23:56:49 GMT

Depressing entry. I don't give a flying fuck who reads it.

All thats on my mind is Allison. Things are over. Dead. Gone. Lost. Nothing more to say. I fucked up, I said SO many rude things to her, and we fought. I don't like fighting with my friends, especially her. I'm like friggen scared of her. I get SO freaking emotional talking to her. I cried for 4 and a half hours over my best friend, and she didn't even shed a tear. I'm weak. But that also led me to believe she didn't care about my feelings, and I would never do what she did to me. Whatever. Things will never be the same. Sadly, I brought this all upon myself. But when I asked her "why can't we go back to normal?" she said - "cause normal effing sucked" .. well when were you gonna tell me that normal sucked? Were you just gonna lead me on thinking that you were okay with how things were going? She said sorry to me today, surprisingly, right before lunch I wrote Allie a note that simply said "I'm sorry" and I was gonna give it to her in Spanish. Then I thought back to our conversation from Saturday night and she was like "me personally, i dont like to give in, i dont like to say sorry, and I don't like to work things out" so I threw the note away. I was like fuck this shit. Then right before Spanish she says it. WOW. I was sooooooo confused.

She misses the old me, like at the beginning of the year. Everyone does. Including me. I read this livejournal, and I went back to September, October, November. Those were the best months of my life. I was with Matt which also changed things. But I was just so different. I've grown so much more mature, and things don't get to me like they used to, and I don't know, if people can't accept that I've changed - maybe they weren't my friends all along. Thinking about those months makes me so sad, but you know, I can't change back. I would have no clue how to. Those are just the good memories that I'm left with & that I'll always remember.

Coll + me = Over. As far as I'm concerned. I don't know when, how, or why it happened. It was like right before I went to Bermuda. I don't remember though. Damn. Everything has been shit since I got back from Bermuda. Colleen doesn't make an effort anymore, and I sure as hell don't blame her. But it's totally not like her to not say anything to me. She's changed so damn much. Plus she's different with EVERYONE than she is with me. Those are for reasons only her and I know. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS!

I have more to say, but at the same time, I don't wanna say it. I don't know. Life is so confusing. I wish my mom knew that I was depressed, errr. Life shall go on. I shant dwell on the past. All that lays ahead is the future, which chances are, will probably suck.

In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you
And in your head where it dwells
I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it
Let's walk away from this hell.
- The Juliana Theory

<33.

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 22:49:11 GMT

Ow my belly hurts.

Well my life sucks. Nothing more to say -- I screwed up everything good I had going for me, and now it's gone. Just like that. Now I'm totally doubting all the friendships I have/had & I'm wondering what the hell? Why don't I mean as much to these people as they do to me? My life sucks so much that I decided to update this thing.. and possibly start writing in it again.. since I've come to find out people do actually read my XANGA so I can't put personal crap in it anymore.

I did something so fucking stupid. Obviously I know it was wrong, I never should have even thought about it, but you know what everyone makes mistakes. I'm learning from them every single day & its helping me become a better person. Yeah, I've changed, I'm aware of that.. but I mean.. don't hold that against me.. I'm trying my best. I think I believe in God now, or atleast I'm trying to believe. I've always believed in my friends, and that with them I could conquer anything. I guess, once again, I thought wrong. I just need something to actually believe in, because we all know I don't believe in myself, let alone does anyone believe in me. So whatever, that's one good thing coming out of this whole experience -- I think I'm gonna start to believe in Jesus.

One other thing I've come to realize is that crying sucks. I know I've heard people say "just let out a good cry, it will help" yeah, well, how many more times do I have to cry before they name an ocean after me? Seriously. I don't see the 'good' thing about crying. You immediately turn bright red, your lungs & body ache from it, your face is all sticky and salty, even your throat gets dry. What is so helpful about that?

I'm dating Chris now. Yes, Chris Carr. Pshh, trust me, I know what you're thinking.. "Oh great she has another boyfriend." Yeah, I'm sure thats how everyone feels. Whatever. Let people think what they wanna think, but I'm absolutely crazy for him. I've spent so much time with him & I'm growing more and more attached. This might get deep ladies & gentlemen.. I shall keep you posted.

I can't even describe what's going on between Allison & I. I read this conversation over & over again and cry. What more can I do?

relaxingCHAOS xx: hey
JUST3LASTWORDS x: hey
relaxingCHAOS xx: whatsup
JUST3LASTWORDS x: nm u
relaxingCHAOS xx: nada
JUST3LASTWORDS x: how was your night?
relaxingCHAOS xx: it went well.
relaxingCHAOS xx: you?
relaxingCHAOS xx: yours? *
JUST3LASTWORDS x: fun fun fun
relaxingCHAOS xx: glad to hear it
relaxingCHAOS xx: when are we gonna talk
relaxingCHAOS xx: ?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: well.. you couldnt talk today
JUST3LASTWORDS x: and i dont really know what i wanna talk about so, i dont know
relaxingCHAOS xx: i could, but, he was like watching
relaxingCHAOS xx: well you told me you had liek a whole list of things
JUST3LASTWORDS x: yeah i dont anymore
JUST3LASTWORDS x: it was basically that stuff i said yesterday
relaxingCHAOS xx: ohhh okay
relaxingCHAOS xx: lol u only said one thing but k
JUST3LASTWORDS x: yeah, do u have anything?
relaxingCHAOS xx: probably
relaxingCHAOS xx: but ..
relaxingCHAOS xx: whatever
relaxingCHAOS xx: i don't have to say it
JUST3LASTWORDS x: oh okay
relaxingCHAOS xx: WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO BACK TO NORMAL?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: cause normal effing sucked
JUST3LASTWORDS x: and you've changed
relaxingCHAOS xx: of course i have
JUST3LASTWORDS x: admit it , youve changed SO much
relaxingCHAOS xx: each week i have people telling me things that are wrong with me
JUST3LASTWORDS x: and its weird
JUST3LASTWORDS x: your differnet now
JUST3LASTWORDS x: I DONT LIKE IT
relaxingCHAOS xx: and stupid me have altered my personality so much ive lost touch with my real self
relaxingCHAOS xx: i dont know how to go back if you cant tell me whats changed
JUST3LASTWORDS x: devyn, dont u dare blame it on me, im not gunna tell u what changed you should know, im not you your you
relaxingCHAOS xx: i dont know allison! i dont know whats changed! i need my friend to help me!
JUST3LASTWORDS x: dont always depend on people
relaxingCHAOS xx: i'm so stuck
relaxingCHAOS xx: what else do I depend on then huh?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: yourself
relaxingCHAOS xx: that doesnt work for someone like me
JUST3LASTWORDS x: and why not?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: it seems to work for everyone else
relaxingCHAOS xx: am i more of a meanie? am i not understanding anymore? do I talk too much?
relaxingCHAOS xx: am I not as fun? do I care about other people too much? am I too self conscious?
relaxingCHAOS xx: what is it
JUST3LASTWORDS x: your asking me, about yourself?
relaxingCHAOS xx: yeah I am
relaxingCHAOS xx: personally, I thought I had become less of a bitch, I bit my tongue more & let things slide, yeah I got more self conscious, YES I do make my friends my life, and their opinions of me matter, especially when its a bad one, and I'm always told I'm the easiest person to talk to
JUST3LASTWORDS x: im not gunna say anything after last tuesday
JUST3LASTWORDS x: youre just gunna have to figure it out yourself
relaxingCHAOS xx: thats over with now
relaxingCHAOS xx: allison by you saying nothing is saying you don't give a flying eff about me
JUST3LASTWORDS x: okay u obviously dont understand where im coming from
relaxingCHAOS xx: cause you're not elaborating on anything you're saying
relaxingCHAOS xx: you've changed too allison.
JUST3LASTWORDS x: im elaborating because last time i did you went and fucking cut yourself!!!!!!
JUST3LASTWORDS x: hm, so now do u wonder why?
relaxingCHAOS xx: that fucking had nothing to do with you
relaxingCHAOS xx: if anything you fucking were a reason not to
JUST3LASTWORDS x: well u told someone it had to do with what laura said to u
relaxingCHAOS xx: a little bit
JUST3LASTWORDS x: which i took a part in that too
JUST3LASTWORDS x: and i dont wanna do what laura did
relaxingCHAOS xx: but it wasnt your fault, or hers, I let myself get like that
relaxingCHAOS xx: ill be scarred for life allison, and IM the one who has to live with that, not you, so please just don't make me feel more guilty than I already do
relaxingCHAOS xx: yeah it was a mistake. i know that. it was wrong, i know that too. i messed up, and im trying with every part of my body to make it better
JUST3LASTWORDS x: ugh.
relaxingCHAOS xx: yeah
relaxingCHAOS xx: i'm trying. just know that much.
JUST3LASTWORDS x: okayyy
relaxingCHAOS xx: :'(
JUST3LASTWORDS x: i cant deal with this
relaxingCHAOS xx: yeah allison.. im loosing you..
relaxingCHAOS xx: totally
JUST3LASTWORDS x: well u pushed colleen away from you
relaxingCHAOS xx: and how on earth would you know that?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: cause i talk to her
relaxingCHAOS xx: i talk to her too
relaxingCHAOS xx: but the thing is, just like you and katie, its undescribable, you will never be able to comprehend colleen & i's relationship, no one can except us.
relaxingCHAOS xx: i'm trying to talk to you.. i just can't get to you.. and you can't get to me
relaxingCHAOS xx: and im not sure what to do
JUST3LASTWORDS x: dont do anything
JUST3LASTWORDS x: you just try to fix everything , you never did that before
relaxingCHAOS xx: i never used to try to fix things?
JUST3LASTWORDS x: ?
relaxingCHAOS xx: *confuzzled*
JUST3LASTWORDS x: ugh never mind
relaxingCHAOS xx: no
relaxingCHAOS xx: i'm not gonna sit here and like watch this just crumble.. literally
JUST3LASTWORDS x: well, i dont know
relaxingCHAOS xx: its been 4 days and you still can barely talk to me or take me seriously
relaxingCHAOS xx: its not gonna be any better in a week
relaxingCHAOS xx: unless we do something now
relaxingCHAOS xx: or i do osmething
JUST3LASTWORDS x: no, thats not like me i dont like to do anything
relaxingCHAOS xx: im just finding it hard to believe though
JUST3LASTWORDS x: cause we've never faught before, me personally i dont like to work things out, i dont like to say sorry, and i dont like to give in
relaxingCHAOS xx: i don't wanna fight with you allison
relaxingCHAOS xx: i wanna fucking run to you right now, cry my eyes out, give you a hug, and have you tell me its gonna be okay
JUST3LASTWORDS x: itll be okay
JUST3LASTWORDS x: but i have to go
relaxingCHAOS xx: ugh
JUST3LASTWORDS x: well sorry my parents wanna talk to me
JUST3LASTWORDS x signed off at 11:08:12 PM.

=(

Aside from Allie, she said I pushed Colleen away. If fucking Colleen has one ounce of love for me, she'll know that I didn't purposely push her away. I fucking can't describe it, I can't talk to anyone, no one gets it. Absolutely no one. I'm alone. As much as people tell me otherwise, in reality, I truely am alone. I appericiate the effort. But is anyone elses siblings 18 years older than them? No. Colleen & I have gone through so much, and I know Colleen fucking better than Allie, and I know Colleen will never throw in the towel on this relationship of ours. Never. Neither will I.

Chelsey + Laura = dolls. They have helped me through so much lately. I thank them from the bottom of my heart <33.

Melissa has helped me too, or atleast for the first night she found out. I will never loose my love for her.

My friends, A.K.A my world : I would jump head first into traffic for you all. Sometimes it scares me, thinking about life without you guys, but then I realize -- its never gonna happen. I won't let it. As much as we're all growing & drifting apart, deep down, you guys will always be with me. I'll never ever forget ANY of you.

<33.

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:34:52 GMT

How's it going?!

Oh boy oh boy. So much has gone on since the last time I've updated. I'm not quite sure why I'm updating either.. no one reads this. Ho hum. Hmm.. actually I lied, nothing has gone on. Ahah how ironic -- last time I updated I was starting my medicine, and now after tonights, I will be off of it. Mm mission accomplished, the lumps are gone. Aside from that mumbo jumbo :: school has been going quite well I suppose. I would say my grades are ehh okay. As for my friends, I'm becoming quite used to being by myself over the weekends. Between basketball, spending time with their families.. they hardly have any time to hang out as we used to. I've learned to bite my tongue, move on, and still keep a smile on my face. Ehh who am I to hate on them for being dedicated to something? Pshh. I think that's what I need, something to be dedicated to, I mean, what do I have? Seriously. Nothing. Okay well I refuse to feel sorry for myself & bring myself down today so I shalt not talk about that. Hmm let's see.. I've gotten into emo a lot more. Actually I'm liking post-hardcore & post-screamo too <33. Yummie. Music is brilliant, it really is, the way the instruments are put together, the thought & emotions that go into lyrics that I can always connet with. Uh I just love it <3. Mm I would definetly say it is an addiction. Well yet again I made another useless entry that will do no good. OH! Matt & Lauren broke up on Friday, and stupid me helped put them back together on Saturday. Yes, I kicked my feelings for him to the side to make him happy after he clearly told me it is over with us, no possibilities in the future. I must say that was quite a slap in the face, since I have a lot of history with him. Oh well, we shall remain as friends.. I know it. I won't let that go. He told me he'd love me if I talked her into going back out with him. In the end she made the decision, but I think I aided her along the way. Matthew & I talked all Saturday about just.. well.. everything. I liked it. A lot. When the time for him to go came, he said bye thanks for everything. That really made me feel warm inside <33. Ehh I must be going.

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 03:17:31 GMT

I never update this guy anymore! So sad. Well Mel just left, we spent 2 hours listening to old music from the late 90's cause we're cool like that. Right now I'm chatting with Matt, yes Matt, we've had a great conversation let me tell you! Talking about our relationship, the break up, and all that sentimental shit. I'm talking to Clara too! Woohoo she's awesome. Today I got blood drawn today, and I was a tough son of a bitch, I didn't cry, kick, scream, or yell. Aren't you proud? Plus they filled the maximum amount of containers with blood. I started taking my medicine today too, 3 times a day for a month. The pills are huge too! Ahh. I was doing research about Bilateral Ptosis & the surgical procedure and what not and I am scared shitless. I'm already breaking down and its like 6 months away. What will I do? Seriously. Ah well, I've got to go drink milk as the doctor ordered.

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 01:28:35 GMT

Never write in this anymore!!! Eek. I'll just babble on about something. Hmm, I'm in a real emo mood right now. I mean, earlier I was listening to like Thursday, Shinedown, Breaking Benjamin, Silverstein.. but now I feel like being mellow. Heh. Right about now, if I HAD to choose my top 3 favorite bands I think I'd pick. 1) The Starting Line 2) Matchbook Romance and 3) Taking Back Sunday.. I mean, I know EVERY word to EVERY one of their songs on EVERY one of their CDs. I just can't get enough of them. I love other bands too I usually can never narrow it down. Yeah, wow this whole entry is just about music =D. Those three bands, plus maybe Coheed, The Used, and Hawthorne Heights would be the most kickass concert of them all, I'd go no matter what. Woo. I'm kinda stressed about our party this weekend, but whatever. Once it's over I'll feel fine. Maybe write in a few days, otherwise check my xanga. Peace.

Break my heart or break my fall.